Sometimes the best way to learn is trial-and-error. Other times you're a father and you need a little more help than that. Here are some suggestions and thoughts on what not to do as a new dad.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Updates when the baby allows me to update it.
As we all know, my little girl is absolutely adorable. I may not say it enough, and I may snark about how she saves up all her cuteness for her mommy* but I think she's the cutest baby in the world.
3 out of 4 non-parents agree!
That being said, there is other cuteness in the world beside my little girl, as hard as that may be to believe.
On that note, let's get a little bit of absolute adorableness that has nothing to do with Lois in here!
I told a friend of mine who put this up on Facebook that I'd be putting this in my blog because it's just so cute. Thank you, Cat!
I always knew that some day my ability to produce noises from my mouth and hands would some day pay off big time. Watch! This should prove that I'm the most hilarious man alive:
I used to believe that having a baby would be the end of my social life and that it would mean that I'd be stuck at home forever and ever with no recourse to go out with other human beings of my age, forever condemned to only go out with children of my child's age to places like Chucky Cheese's.*
It was, honestly, one of the reasons I never wanted to be a father. Selfish? Sure. But it was also honest.
The fact of the matter is, I was wrong. There is a way to ensure that you will have time to go and be with other adults, or even just get some time with your significant other, just the two of you, without the baby. It's so simple I'm amazed and ashamed I never thought of it before now.
Have an adorable baby.
Like this one!
If you have an adorable baby, everyone will want to babysit! They'll go out of their way to take time to come watch your beautiful, angelic little child! This should be a tip doctors share with everyone who is going to be a parent.
"Well, Mister and Mrs. Flompdoodle, congratulations. You're pregnant! Now, there's one bit of advice that I give all of my new parents-to-be: Have an adorable baby. Now go on and work on that."
"I understand you're trying to have a baby, Mr. and Mrs. Inglesack. Here's a book describing 37 positions that will ensure you conceive an adorable one. It's very important. Trust us. We're a doctor."
So that's my advice to new parents everywhere: Have an adorable baby.
One thing that all new fathers need to know is that once your baby is born you no longer matter.
Oh, you need to be there to help take care of her when she needs you and you need to make sure that you don't screw things up too badly, but you're extra. You're superfluous. You simply don't matter.
Going to see friends?
"Where's the baby?"
Going out to dinner?
"That baby is adorable!"
Stopping by to see family?
"Give us the baby!"
Once your friends or family have their hands on the baby you stop existing. The baby is their world. Look at that cute smile, listen to that adorable cooing, watch her explore the world around her. Oh, they'll attempt conversation with you but you could talk about how you were riding a purple hippopotamus the other day and your friends will just politely nod as though they're listening, while cooing at the baby and trying to make her giggle.
Right up until this happens:
Then that baby is ALL YOURS. Suddenly you exist again.
Watch her face when I offer her a spoonful of carrots, and then put it in her mouth. I'm thinking maybe peas next. Carrots? If she ends up hating carrots for the rest of her life we'll all know where to put the blame.
Good morning everyone! Today we have a very special guest on our show! We've talked about her a lot, said some things that maybe she wishes we hadn't, and she's everyone's favorite cute baby (unless they have their own)! LOIS!
Lois, come on out here would you?
"I only agreed to this because my agent said I have to." - Lois
Lois: Hi Dad-Thing!
Dad thing? Really? We're calling me that now?
Lois: Well, mommy's "The Big Milk-Thing," would you like me to find you a different nickname?
No, no, dad-thing works just fine, thank you. So, how are you today?
Lois: I'm okay Dad-Thing. A little fussy because it's time for my eleven o'clock feeding and nap but you're keeping me up instead.
Actually, if you recall honey, you were fussy and didn't want to nap so I suggested this as a great cure for insomnia.
Lois: I'm five and a half months old. I don't even know what those words mean. Also, I only agreed to this because my agent said I have to. He's an idiot sometimes.
But I'm your....moving on! We've heard some very scandalous things about you, Miss Stubborn. Some people say that you often wait until after you're changed to soil your diaper. Do you do this on purpose?
Lois: Oh now there's a clever idea. I wish I could say that I did this purposely but the fact is it just happens.
"Ooh, now there's a clever idea." - Lois
At this point I really have very little to do with any of that. Now, as soon as I have a little more control I'll be sure to do exactly what you're suggesting. Thank you for the idea, Daddio!
*mutter* Yes, you're welcome. I'm sure. Recently, it's been noted by your mother and I that you've been sleeping well throughout the night, often going to bed by 8 and not getting up again until 6 or 7 the next morning. Is this a trend that we can expect to continue? Will you keep allowing us to get our sleep?
Lois: HAHAHAHAHAHAH! You're funny Daddy-Thing and I love you....r naive sense of the world around you!
Frankly? No. Next month I'm going to start developing a tooth bud on my bottom gum and it's going to really bother me so I plan on staying awake all night crying. Oh, I'll probably go to sleep eventually but I'll wake up every hour with a few cries just to remind you that I'm in pain and make sure that you don't sleep comfortably. After that more teeth will start coming in and I'll just be in a lot of discomfort all night.
Aren't you lucky? This way you can be sure you'll be awake all night long and experience more out of life!
Very thoughtful. Any last words for our readers at home today, darling girl?
"This is a serious topic." - Serious Lois
Lois: Yes, thank you. I want to talk to you about the dangers of underage baby drinking. This is a serious topic. I know that recently a lot has been said about me and some "problem" I may have. The truth is that I'm free and sober for all five and a half months of my life and those pictures are a lie.
Babies should not be drinking anything except The Big Milk Thing and the bottle of the milk stuff if they need to.
Aaand, that's all the time we have for now folks. Let's leave off with this clip of our young lady here. She says she's against baby drinking but we're not so sure about that, really. Take a look:
Sometimes my brain doesn't work particularly well and I don't make posts because I can't think of anything to say. When that happens the best thing to do is to GIVE OTHER PEOPLE CREDIT FOR THEIR AWESOMENESS!
Phew. Sorry about the shouting. I just feel strongly about this.
