Friday, November 2, 2012

Late Night: I Am A Horrible Father

First off, yes. 9:30 PM on a Friday counts as "late night." I'm officially both old and a parent. I know.

So let me start by saying that my little girl is in her crib right now, screaming that all is wrong with the world and that daddy is a horrible, mean bastard who should have his daddy card revoked and she hates him. She's been crying like this for about 3 minutes and will probably continue crying thusly until I actually give in and go save her from the sleep monsters.*

Mommy went away for a girl's night out with Auntie Amanda and I've had a crying baby since she left a little over two hours ago. Oh, rocking in the rocking chair worked for about 15 minutes, and a bottle worked for 10, just like letting her suck on my pinkie finger worked for about 5 minutes but other than that she has been telling our neighbors (we live in an apartment complex) that I am a horrible father.

If they can hear her at this point I'm sure they're inclined to agree.

Hell, I'm getting close to agreeing.**

So, not knowing what to do, I decided to sit down in front of my laptop and give you new fathers and fathers-to-be this advice:

Get used to being the world's worst dad. Not only will your child call you it, but you'll also feel like they're right.

*These are not, mind you, monsters that come for you in your sleep but rather invisible monsters that cause you to fall asleep and then peacefully go away.
**Not really, but it's definitely getting close.

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