Doctor's Advice

"Doc," I asked him imploringly during the last appointment before the birth, "you seem as though you're full of knowledge and wisdom gained through long years of learning and possibly trial and error so maybe you can pass on a little bit of that to me." He nodded for me to go on so I asked him the question that had weighed heavily on my mind ever since the day I realized I would be there when my Laura gave birth to our tiny little girl, "What, exactly, is my job in the delivery room?"

He cocked his head to the side and looked thoughtful for a moment before answering. "Well there are two things. One: Tell her she looks pretty. Even if she's leaking goop from her eyes, green snot running out of her nose with the consistency of bad maple syrup, and her hair looks like it's just escaped from an electromagnetic company, tell her she's pretty and the most beautiful creature walking the face of the planet."

I wrote this down. "And two?"

"Two is more a 'don't.' Two is, simply, don't do what I did. Don't, while she is in the throws of labor, try to lighten the mood by telling her 'Sweety, you seem...grumpy.' I may still be hearing about that five years later, and can never win a fight because when it looks like I'm about to win she'll pull this out and I will have to apologize, again."

So this blog is my attempt to tell you what to expect when you have a baby and to teach you, my reader, through my trial-and-error what, exactly, NOT to do.