Dear Little Girl: No.

I'll just be over here, being adorable.

Dear Lois, my sweet little girl;

Please understand that I will do whatever I can to make your life better and more fulfilled. I will take whatever steps I need to take to ensure that you are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. Whatever I can do. Whatever I am actually capable of doing.

That being said, please understand that there are a few things that daddy just can't do:

• Most importantly: Those will never produce milk. Please stop trying to get to them.
• I can't let you hurt yourself. Please try to understand this and don't cry when daddy pulls your little claws away from your fragile beautiful eyes.
• And please stop burying your nose in daddy's chest when he's holding you in the papoose. Daddy likes it when you can breathe.
• I can't not change your diaper. I know it's a horrible thing, someone taking away your dirty diaper, cleaning you up with a clean wipe, and putting on a new diaper, but if you could just try to understand that I want what's best for you and maybe not cry? I would appreciate that.
• I'll admit that you're actually pretty good about this compared to most kids I've met so I can't complain too much. You're a good baby.

Right now that's about it, little girl. If you could just keep being awesome then I would appreciate it. Sure, you still don't sleep all night, you're not the brightest bulb in the box, and your timing has permanently earned you the title "Professional Cockblocker" in daddy's mind but you are amazing and daddy loves you. You may not be a bright bulb yet but you glow. You don't sleep all night but your quiet wakeful periods, smiles, and coos are a gift. You may be a cockblocker but...

No...that part I haven't quite forgiven you for, yet.

But I still love you.

With love and hope for the future,

Daddy

I'm the one on the left.

World's Best Father Documented In Photos

For your edification but mostly your amusement I present to you the world's best father(fails), presented in 30 pictures.

He really is the world's best dad; he has the mug after all and mugs don't lie!

Possibly Helpful Links

Now, I joke and I laugh and I say ridiculous things about my little angel that you might never believe have been said (you'd be wrong) but I really do want to help new fathers in my own special way. So here are a few links that you might actually find useful along the way:

• 7 Things Not To Do In The Delivery Room
• I love that one of my "do nots" is on the list!
• 5 Mistakes Parents Make With A Newborn
• 10 Things to Know About Newborns
• I like the tips in this article even if I don't care for the format, and you CAN skip the "sign up for our website" that shows up about 3 slides in. It is worth a read, honestly.
• Sleep Trouble
• These tips are better for a little later on, maybe after the first month and a half or so but they're pretty decent from what I've seen. Thankfully our little girl has just started sleeping through the night because we're amazing parents!*
• And now for something hilarious
• I did a few of these too! Take a look and see if you remember them from my previous posts! (I noticed in the comments of this page that these are from the book Safe Baby Handling Tips and have resolved to get this book as soon as possible!)

*Don't worry; she'll prove me wrong soon enough and I'll eat these words.

Picture Thursday!

Our baby's first Zen experience.

Followed closely by her first time being possessed.

Sometimes I have pictures that I just can't write a story around and need somewhere to stick them because they're cute, memorable, odd, or just strange (like when Lois rolls her eyes back into her head in her sleep; take a look at the second photo).

So what I'd like to do is start picture Thursday to share these fun times with everyone! My comments will be minor, probably just the little captions under each photo.

Lois and Grandpa meet! All together now: Awww....

Chester and Lois meet and don't particularly care.

Please enjoy my precious little girl.

Taking a picture of me feeding the little girl is difficult alone!

Here she is, tired from keeping us awake all night.

The Quiet-Maker

When our little girl came into our home she cried. A lot. It's simple: Take a child from a warm little room of their own that's filled with fluid, all-you-can-eat snacks, in what basically amounts to a sensory deprivation tank and then throw them into a big wide open world of...everything.

She cried. It's normal. We wanted it to stop.

We have a wonderful nighttime tool that makes soothing noises and lights up the bedroom with starlight, but the Twilight Turtle, as amazing as it was at night, could do nothing for us during the daily wailing.

While I moved about my daily activities though, I noticed a pattern. A trick, if you will. Even, if you'll allow me a flight of fancy here, a bit of magic.

Observe:

Granted, it doesn't always work perfectly (as you can see toward the end of this video) but after our first week of parenthood we had used roughly enough water to fill at least one of the Great Lakes.

Have you ever come across any good child-quieting techniques? I'm told rum is frowned upon.

Things Not To Say and Advice I've Received

Things that probably shouldn't be said about the baby:

• "Hey hon, which setting do I use on the washer and dryer to clean her?"
• "I know you're working but can you hold the baby while I beat this video game?"
• "Does she have a 'mute' button?"
• "That's totally going on the blog."
• It's not.
• The pacifier is to be referred to as a "pacifier," a "passy," or a "binky." "Cork" is right out.

Sometimes people will see your child and want to give you advice on how to care for them because whatever worked for them will obviously work for everyone! Other times you will see someone sitting in a restaurant with two extremely well behaved children and you ask for advice because since it worked for them it will obviously work for you! Hell, there's a whole industry devoted to giving baby-raising advice*! Either way, here are a few pearls of wisdom I have received along the way**:

• "Having children is like running a restaurant where you don't get to cook or eat the main course."
• "Excessive hiccuping is a positive indication that your baby has hiccups."
• Thank you, doctor.
• "If your baby is gassy flip her upside-down a couple of times and it'll come out, no problem!"
• No boiling the baby.
• This bit of advice is what inspired this blog, actually. Go, read the hilariousness!
• "If the baby seems warm it's not a good idea to put them in the refrigerator."

*If I'm being fair, the first book in this list (Baby 411) is actually a fantastically helpful little book and the Guide To Pirate Parenting is a must have for our sea-faring, patch-wearing, peg-legged friends!

**Again, being fair:Please note that some of these legitimately do work (turning upside-down for burping for example) but that doesn't make the advice any funnier, especially the first time you hear it.

DIY

I've read in books that sometimes you have to let your child try to do things by themselves because you can't always do everything for them. Maybe I'm going a little too far with her being 6 weeks of age but today I decided to let her try to get her binky when it fell out of her mouth.

This happened four or five times during the day before I realized that my little girl is a superstar and that I had to show the world how smart and amazing she is.

If the pacifier falls out of her mouth no farther than her shoulder, in just the right position so that tip is rubbing against her cheek (showing her right where it is), and she can turn her head enough to reach it, she can suck her binky right back into her own mouth.

Yay! My little girl is a genius! Whoo!*

*I'm only sarcastic in hindsight on this one. At the time that she did it? I was ready to sign her up for MENSA. Because I'm a dad, that's why.