Things Not To Say and Advice I've Received

Things that probably shouldn't be said about the baby:

• "Hey hon, which setting do I use on the washer and dryer to clean her?"
• "I know you're working but can you hold the baby while I beat this video game?"
• "Does she have a 'mute' button?"
• "That's totally going on the blog."
• It's not.
• The pacifier is to be referred to as a "pacifier," a "passy," or a "binky." "Cork" is right out.

Sometimes people will see your child and want to give you advice on how to care for them because whatever worked for them will obviously work for everyone! Other times you will see someone sitting in a restaurant with two extremely well behaved children and you ask for advice because since it worked for them it will obviously work for you! Hell, there's a whole industry devoted to giving baby-raising advice*! Either way, here are a few pearls of wisdom I have received along the way**:

• "Having children is like running a restaurant where you don't get to cook or eat the main course."
• "Excessive hiccuping is a positive indication that your baby has hiccups."
• Thank you, doctor.
• "If your baby is gassy flip her upside-down a couple of times and it'll come out, no problem!"
• No boiling the baby.
• This bit of advice is what inspired this blog, actually. Go, read the hilariousness!
• "If the baby seems warm it's not a good idea to put them in the refrigerator."

*If I'm being fair, the first book in this list (Baby 411) is actually a fantastically helpful little book and the Guide To Pirate Parenting is a must have for our sea-faring, patch-wearing, peg-legged friends!

**Again, being fair:Please note that some of these legitimately do work (turning upside-down for burping for example) but that doesn't make the advice any funnier, especially the first time you hear it.