Pro Tip

If you need a night away from the baby so that you can get a full night's sleep let me suggest that you do not want to bring this up directly with mom; she will laugh at you. Hard. Especially if she's breastfeeding which means that your "waking up" in the night is a pitiful five to ten minutes while you lovingly try to be there for her and then fall back asleep not even close to the end of the feeding on the first boob.

No, I have a much better solution for you! The only problem is that it only works once. Some of you may have used this at other times in your life for other reasons so unfortunately you're out of luck:

Get your appendix removed!

I'm telling you, it's fantastic! I don't suggest the pain, really, so if you can avoid that go ahead and steer clear, but really getting your appendix removed is a guaranteed night at the hospital, in a semi-comfortable (assuming you have a nice hospital) bed with people doting on you. Sleep, relax, and enjoy a cry-free environment.

Well, cry-free if you avoided the pain like I suggested. If you didn't or can't avoid the pain then might I suggest you make liberal use of the morphine provided by the hospital?

I am a sexy beast. Also: I don't actually suggest this route. They poke and prod me every 2-3 hours!