Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Accessorizing With The Baby

You and your baby are going to be inseparable beings for a while. Even if you're not actively holding the baby she/he will be nearby. As such, you may have some important fashion questions.

I'm here to help.

Q: When I'm holding my baby should I hold them on my good side to accentuate how cute we both are, or on my bad side so that nobody notices the bad side and sees only the baby?

A: It's a scientific fact that when you're holding your baby nobody will see your bad side no matter which side they're on. Blemishes? Acne? A large scar running from your forehead to your chin? Doesn't matter! Baby!

Q: What kind of papoose/baby wrap should I wear?

A: The most important thing is to wear a baby wrap that compliments both your skin tone and your baby's. Now, your baby will be dying of embarrassment because she or he will instinctively know that you look ridiculous wearing them around like that so most likely you'll want to compliment a skin tone that's a few shades redder than what you normally see. I suggest something neutral, like a gray to match your ashen skin tone from being up late nights getting absolutely no sleep because of a crying baby. It should also compliment your eyes, which will have gone dull by this point, again due to lack of sleep.

Q: What color clothing goes best with parenthood?

A: I refer you to my previous answer with the neutral colors due to encroaching soullessness.

Q: Is there an easy way to get spit-up out of my outfit?

A: No. Spit-up will never come out of anything it gets into. You should plan on wearing clothing that either makes you look like a hobo from all the stains, is white to hide the stains, or buying new clothing every week or so. Also, if you choose to either hide it or go with the hobo look proudly, expect to smell faintly of curdled cheese at all times.

On the other hand, one positive you can expect from all of this: Don't expect people to actually look much at you; you no longer matter because baby. You can rest easy knowing that your world-weary bags hanging heavily under your eyes, stained clothing, and bad smell won't matter to anybody; they'll be too busy cooing over the beautiful child who will be peacefully sleeping when they come to see you and they'll ask questions like "How do you get her to be so well behaved?"

They won't understand the hysterical laughter that comes burbling out of your lips at that question but you will. You will.

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