Picture Post! With Advice About The Camera

Ready to pop! (Don't ever use those words.)

Guys,

Let me take a moment and talk with you about the importance of having a camera with you during the periods directly before and directly after the birth.

Not during. Nobody wants to see that. What? You think you're going to have friends over and pull out the slideshow like "Hey guys, look at what I did!"

Dr. Jenelle and our fresh baby.

Mom, alert and ready for trouble, with Lois.

Her: "Don't post that photo online." Me: "Of course not!"

No. Just no. Be there for the mom-to-be as she's pushing or they're cutting her open (and remember, don't look; seriously) but keep that camera down during the birth itself.

(Note: There may be a brief opportunity to get a picture of the VERY newborn baby; you should do this so that someday you can gross out your little boy or girl, showing them covered in slime, looking like some kind of swamp-monster-thing. Other than that, though, no camera!)

That's the most uncomfortable pull-out couch in the world. I loved it.

 Now, a camera before the birth and after the birth are completely fair game and it's your job to get as many pictures as possible to commemorate the occasion! Even if they aren't exactly glamour shots! Especially if they aren't exactly glamour shots!

See, when she starts reminiscing you need a way to say "See what you went through, honey?" to remind her of what it was actually like before she gets it through her head that she wants to go through it again. You need a subtle reminder of the hours of hell in labor, the pain, the feeling she had of wanting to shove that camera up your bum if you don't get it out of her face....

Just sayin'.

But know that none of the photos you take will be amazingly wonderful pictures. You're in a hospital and no matter how nice the hospital may be it's still a hospital and she'll probably still be wearing that beautiful hospital gown.

So when you post those photos on the internet in a blog of your own there's one thing you need to do afterward:

Run.

Parenting or Porn?

Sometimes things you say as a parent could be taken out of context and put into a very different situation, so let's play a game: Do these phrases come from parenting (either dad OR mom in this case), or porn? Answers are in the bracket to the right; highlight them with your mouse to find out!

• "Put my finger in your mouth and suck it." (Parenting: she likes to suck on pinkies to calm down.)
• "Just take it!" (Parenting: When trying to give her a pacifier.)
• "You dirty little girl!" (Parenting: Diaper changing, of course.)
• "Who's your daddy?" (Parenting: Playing around with a high-pitched voice this is a common phrase.)
• "Get my nipple out of your mouth!" (Parenting: When she latches on to daddy's nipple because daddy isn't paying enough attention.)
• "Suck harder!" (Parenting: When mom is trying to feed the baby-girl and she's not sucking hard enough.)
• "That's right, get that nipple in your mouth." (Parenting: Mom encouraging a good feeding.)
• "You lay there and I'll take care of the rest." (Parenting: Changing the baby's diaper.)
• "Stop wiggling so much!" (Parenting: Various uses, usually when changing diapers.)
• "Let's get you good and wet." (Parenting: Bath time because someone pooped so much it got to the back of their neck. I wish I were joking.)
• "Hey there, little lady. I'm the delivery man and I have your sausage pizza for you." (Porn: Because I had to have one in here that was really bad  porn.)

So, how did you do? Do you have a dirty mind, or have you raised children and recognized most of the phrases that were from parenting?

Any phrases you've said as a parent that are a little strange, taken out of context?

Sometimes Mommy Fails

Laura (aka "Mom") is an amazing mother full of patience, love, and tenderness for her little girl and for me. The best decision I've ever made in my life is being with her; I'm glad I moved out here.

I say that sweet stuff so that I can now tell you that I'm not the only one in this relationship that's going to mess up our child. Laura will steer me clear of the biggest hurdles, I'm sure, and save Lois at least a few thousand dollars in psychiatry visits just by being herself but that doesn't mean she's perfect.

Take the other day, for example: I somberly admitted that I sometimes flick cold water on our little girl "because the books say she should experience new sensations" and that her reactions (big eyes, startled noises and an "angry at daddy" face) make me giggle every time. I expected indignation but received laughter.

Apparently? Laura will do the same thing to keep Lois awake while she breastfeeds, and laughs just as much as I do at the startled and offended look on our little girl's face afterward.

We are going to be fantastic parents!

Water also makes her blurry; that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Pro Tip

If you need a night away from the baby so that you can get a full night's sleep let me suggest that you do not want to bring this up directly with mom; she will laugh at you. Hard. Especially if she's breastfeeding which means that your "waking up" in the night is a pitiful five to ten minutes while you lovingly try to be there for her and then fall back asleep not even close to the end of the feeding on the first boob.

No, I have a much better solution for you! The only problem is that it only works once. Some of you may have used this at other times in your life for other reasons so unfortunately you're out of luck:

Get your appendix removed!

I'm telling you, it's fantastic! I don't suggest the pain, really, so if you can avoid that go ahead and steer clear, but really getting your appendix removed is a guaranteed night at the hospital, in a semi-comfortable (assuming you have a nice hospital) bed with people doting on you. Sleep, relax, and enjoy a cry-free environment.

Well, cry-free if you avoided the pain like I suggested. If you didn't or can't avoid the pain then might I suggest you make liberal use of the morphine provided by the hospital?

I am a sexy beast. Also: I don't actually suggest this route. They poke and prod me every 2-3 hours!

Dear Little Girl: No.

I'll just be over here, being adorable.

Dear Lois, my sweet little girl;

Please understand that I will do whatever I can to make your life better and more fulfilled. I will take whatever steps I need to take to ensure that you are happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. Whatever I can do. Whatever I am actually capable of doing.

That being said, please understand that there are a few things that daddy just can't do:

• Most importantly: Those will never produce milk. Please stop trying to get to them.
• I can't let you hurt yourself. Please try to understand this and don't cry when daddy pulls your little claws away from your fragile beautiful eyes.
• And please stop burying your nose in daddy's chest when he's holding you in the papoose. Daddy likes it when you can breathe.
• I can't not change your diaper. I know it's a horrible thing, someone taking away your dirty diaper, cleaning you up with a clean wipe, and putting on a new diaper, but if you could just try to understand that I want what's best for you and maybe not cry? I would appreciate that.
• I'll admit that you're actually pretty good about this compared to most kids I've met so I can't complain too much. You're a good baby.

Right now that's about it, little girl. If you could just keep being awesome then I would appreciate it. Sure, you still don't sleep all night, you're not the brightest bulb in the box, and your timing has permanently earned you the title "Professional Cockblocker" in daddy's mind but you are amazing and daddy loves you. You may not be a bright bulb yet but you glow. You don't sleep all night but your quiet wakeful periods, smiles, and coos are a gift. You may be a cockblocker but...

No...that part I haven't quite forgiven you for, yet.

But I still love you.

With love and hope for the future,

Daddy

I'm the one on the left.

World's Best Father Documented In Photos

For your edification but mostly your amusement I present to you the world's best father(fails), presented in 30 pictures.

He really is the world's best dad; he has the mug after all and mugs don't lie!

Possibly Helpful Links

Now, I joke and I laugh and I say ridiculous things about my little angel that you might never believe have been said (you'd be wrong) but I really do want to help new fathers in my own special way. So here are a few links that you might actually find useful along the way:

• 7 Things Not To Do In The Delivery Room
• I love that one of my "do nots" is on the list!
• 5 Mistakes Parents Make With A Newborn
• 10 Things to Know About Newborns
• I like the tips in this article even if I don't care for the format, and you CAN skip the "sign up for our website" that shows up about 3 slides in. It is worth a read, honestly.
• Sleep Trouble
• These tips are better for a little later on, maybe after the first month and a half or so but they're pretty decent from what I've seen. Thankfully our little girl has just started sleeping through the night because we're amazing parents!*
• And now for something hilarious
• I did a few of these too! Take a look and see if you remember them from my previous posts! (I noticed in the comments of this page that these are from the book Safe Baby Handling Tips and have resolved to get this book as soon as possible!)

*Don't worry; she'll prove me wrong soon enough and I'll eat these words.